An email I received:
When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, "take I-75," "take I-4" or "take I-95."

When crossing the border into Florida forget all driving rules you ever knew.

If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 A.M. to 10 A.M. and 4 P.M. to 7 P.M. This is considered to be RUSH HOUR and you are not in any rush. NO EXCEPTIONS. But you will drive anyway.

Freeways can only go north and south . . . Not east and west except Alligator Alley.
Tolls are a fact of life, the state has to make money, so deal with it!

I-275 ( Tampa area) will always be under construction-that's the law and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!

'A1A' and 'Alt. A1A' are the same road.

Traffic lights are not timed and never will be.

If you travel more than 20 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange barricade, you're lost! If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, its perfectly acceptable to BACK UP!

Every street in Florida has both a name and a number ( i.e. Adamo = Rt . 60) just for the heck of it -- and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.

Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection, eight more go through on yellow and 4 more on red.

Know the difference between SunPass, SunFest, Sun-Sentinel and SunTrust.

Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual. Plaids and stripes of different colors at the same time are the norm.

Your car's signal blinker means nothing. It should be left on at all times.

English is our first and second language.

It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your emergency generator.

We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite you. Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.

When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advance warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice and potato chips.

You know how to spell Okeechobee . There is an Okeechobee Lake, Town, County, Blvd., Street and Avenue.

A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.

You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that anyone else has moved here. ( Herman Yates will bear witness on that statement )

There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on nearly every corner - with more being built every day.

When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.

It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your holiday decorations.

In south Florida the four seasons are summer.

There is a city called 'The Villages' where over 100,000 old people live that all drive golf carts and dance in the streets. 65% of these people are swingers; the rest just got too old to care about it. (They have the highest number of cases of VD/STD in the state!)

Jupiter is a city, not a planet.

Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays . . . not weeknights or weekends . . . that's for the working folks.

There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper and also a football team.

You can't say; 'this is how we did it up north'. If you think that way, then go back up north and do it that way. Just remember, I-95 and I-75 run both ways.

No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.

Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside, but inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.

With the slightest hint of a hurricane your house insurance will be cancelled ..

The biggest Asian pythons are in the Everglades .

You want to live on a lake? Dig a hole.

Early bird dinner starts at 4 but be there at 3. Always have plastic bags in your purse or pocket for the packets of sugar, Splenda, additional servings from the buffet, etc.

True Floridians rarely go to the local beach except Miami .. These are recognized by the tobacco-colored leather skin.

Don't think of going to Boca unless you are wearing at least one piece of gold lame'.

Always be observant of cars backing through store windows or into canals and swimming pools.

Note that most cars are driven by headless drivers. When seen the head always has white hair and over-sized, black wrap-around sunglasses.
This would be even funnier if it weren't so true!

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Then there are the farging icehole Canadian drivers there for the winter.

Emphasis on the ice in icehole

I heard it is easy to catch polar bears by digging a hole in the ice.... and throw a fish in it.... then wait....

When a polar bear smells the fish and is trying to get it....

simply sneak up on the bear and kick it in the ice hole

Works every time.... So I am told

Being a Floridiot, this is great stuff Ray! Will forward to the rest of my clan.

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NadNuz ... eye never tried to kick a Polar Bear in the ice hole but I used to poke Maggy in the ass with a long stick.. Maggy was a huge black bear at the Clear Lake MB dump

And I am still alive !!

Darn Maggy anyway ... she preferred eating garbage instead of me. I felt insulted

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When trying to catch a polar bear, if it is in an ice cave sleeping, you have to try a different approach.

You dig an ice hole just the same, then you get a bag of frozen peas... and tip them all around the ice hole.... then wait

Sooner or later, the polar bear will come out for a pea....

Then, you kick it in the ice hole

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Nou Nell Nome Nood Nokes NadNuz

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My Favorite Ficking Fickeroo !!

fj

Nanks Narnie 'nd Nf NJ