We all know I'm a pretty scary kinda guy. Put me in office garb and I strike terror in the hearts of corporate accountants and HR minions on sight alone. I suppose then, that it isn't so odd that I was singled out for the full body grope at Hartsfield during my recent trip to New York City. I am pretty sure they mistook my scowl for malignant intent instead of mere distaste for my intended destination.

That was annoying enough, but upon my return, I was identified as an "Evil Agent of Oral Hygene." Yes, a Dental Terrorist! My tube of Colgate was exactly 1oz larger than the allowed limit. It was the smallest tube I could find at the grocery before the trip, by the way. The conversation went like this:

TSA: Sir, you are going to have to step over here. We have found contraband in your luggage. Has it been in your possession the whole time you were here at the airport?
ME: Yes, it has. What is the problem?
TSA: We'll get to that. We have to examine your luggage. You may request the examination in a private room if you prefer.
ME: Uh, no...here is fine.
TSA: Is there anything you would like to disclose before we open your luggage?
ME: Well, that black plastic bag contains some dirty clothes and it was hot as Hades in the city. I'd steer clear of the underwear if I were you.
TSA: Anything else?
ME: No.
TSA: Here it is! This toothpaste tube is 1oz larger than the limit.
ME: They let me come up here with it from Atlanta.
TSA: That's because Atlanta doesn't know what they are doing. They let all sorts of stuff through.
ME: Well, chuck it in the trash and I'll be on my way.
TSA: OH NO...it isn't that simple. We have to test it for bomb residue.

What followed was a thorough wipe down of my luggage and its contents with a special tissue, which was then inserted into a machine along with a blob of Colgate from the offending tube. The machine beeped and displayed a green light. This is apparently a good sign.

TSA: Well, it seems this is OK, but we can't let you take this on board. It is over the limit.
ME: Um...it was only 1oz over, and I probably used more than that already, not to mention the blob that went into the machine. So it can't be over the limit anymore.
TSA: We have to go what it says on the tube.

This is the point where my quest for logic overrode my clear understanding of government mentality.

ME: What if the information on the tube is incorrect or inaccurate?
TSA: Sir, have you tampered with the labeling on this tube in any way?
ME: No..I was just curious. By all means, throw it away. I don't want to be thought of as a Dental Terrorist.
TSA: Why to you use the word, "Terrorist."
ME: I believe that is a normal reaction to being searched. Clearly you are protecting us all from terrorists and I am not one of those.

I was allowed to board and return to Atlanta, sans toothpaste. Somewhere in a TSA computer there now exists a record for me as a suspected Dental Terrorist. Alas, I now have a record: Jon Carleton Alias: Ole' Sparkle Tooth

You know that the TSA and unions was a favorite of Max Cleland.
That man has brought more grief to innocent people than even he can imagine.
If I ever meet that man I believe I will be shortly be led away in cuffs.

He is the reason innocent people have had their life savings seized since many did not know that since his tenure in the senate you cannot move anything over $9,999.99 anywhere in the USA unless it is in the form of a check. No due process....they can seize it. Hell business owners have had their property seized for making bank deposits of a certain amount.
I will cuss his ass out if I meet him face to face. .....cuffs

Ray I know this first hand. This crap got me in hot water with the IRS when I tried to get a cashiers check for my saved pile of cash
for a large purchase and had my cash summarily seized and confiscated and grilled as to where I got it and had to hire a lawyer to get it back after wasting almost 10K just to get it back and now I have a record for being a cash carrying terrorist. How unpatriotic I am...I should have gotten a loan against the pile of Gold coins instead and I would not have had any trouble.......go figure..........!!!!

This country is fucked up when you can't save cash and the Gov. comes after you for being a saver.

Gee's Jon that sucks!!! Why I fly myself most of the time I hate the whole check in process.

I advice clients to just make a $5,000 deposit a day until it all deposited then get the cashiers check. This was worked for years without any hassle from the bank or the IRS.

All I can say... is thank god they never found your hemorrhoid cream

That would have been a real pain in the ass

Instead of actually trying to find terrorists, they conduct security theater, most tsa couldn't find their own butt with both hands. Sorry about you loss of the Colgate.

Yes they better keep their hands off my blue minty gel

Hey Jon, I just had original idea!!

You should talk to some TV executives and start a new TV show.... it could be called.....

The Dentalist? All about a man with cordite fillings... he shoots his mouth off all the time?

waddayathink? huh? Huh?

Jon be glad you were not this young lady.
Disabled cancer patient slammed to the ground by TSA guards, lawsuit claims
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jul/02/disabled-cancer-patient-tsa-lawsuit-memphis-airport

Um...sounds "Mind Blowing."

Yes... thinking about it.... I don't think the idea would work after all

Especially when the 2nd ammmendment gum control mob catch on.... they would ban it for sure

They would insist you had a 'license to fill'